Patsy Cline - Crazy

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely

I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

(performed by Willie Nelson)

A Little Closer Home

The closer I'm coming home, the further I want to run away again, what is so wrong with me that I deserve this feeling, feelings of loneliness and feeling nothing but pain and envy because of the way I am.

Life is cruel to me for some reason, I walked every day because nobody could give me a lift, not even while it rained, I thought I was a good person, a caring and nice person for everyone but I think I'm not that person who I thought I was, I start to understand many things now why you went away, I just wished I was more nice in the end, some weeks before we could get mad at each other for nothing and I just took you for granted, it was a big mistake from me.

I'm in a hotel now in the middle of Poland I think because the road signs say something like ''Warszawa'' and I think it's the capital city so I'm on my way but still got like 1500 km to go I think it will take a long time before I'm home and I wish I didn't have to go home, I just want to stay away from my old life, I don't want to be near the things I know, I want to forget about everything that ever happened to me, because all I had were bad in the end, I just got nightmares every night, I see things that aren't there and it keeps haunting me, I'm here in misery but I'm glad you aren't, I want to forget all about everything and everyone I ever met because in the end I always lose all that I asked for but couldn't have.

I'm just a dumbass and a believer, believing in everyone but never getting what I was promised and it hurts, it hurts because I can't change what I am.

I just don't want to be near anyone I love anymore, I don't want a hug or a kiss from you or my parents because it will only hurt me, but being far away hurts too, it hurts more than I will ever be able to describe but still I got to go home, I go back because of my parents, I'm not heading back because I want to, If it was up to me I would still be there in the mountains with the beautiful lakes and the beautiful stars at night so I could keep wishing and wishing for better things that will never come.

I just never want to feel what I felt for you, I don't want it and I can't take it, I can't take this feelings I feel any longer, I don't want to be lonely and in misery, I don't want all afford I put in you to make you happy and see myself hurt again in the end, I just don't want it, I'm better off alone.

I too sometimes imagine what would have happened if this never happened, where we would be now but I can't see it, I just can see where I am every day, I'm in hell every single day, I could be dead just as easy, maybe it would even be better than where I am now, I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's not fair :(

Life Ain't Fair!


(P.S. Just answer my question about if it was the right choice after 13-02-2012 please, dank u wel)

NF Texture Set

NF Texture Set contains seven very large light grunge scratch textures, which can aid in
giving your images an aged vintage effect.  Read on to see examples.

 Two examples of textures used to achieve different effects.

Original Image

Example 1 shows using texture NF-4 with the layer mode set at "Soft Light" and the opacity level at 100%.

Example 2 shows using texture NF-5 with the layer mode set at "Sceen" and the opacity level at 100%.

Small examples of the textures in the zipped set shown below:







Download Zipped File Here:

MUMenTUM - Monday Mum Tum


Now that Cybermummy is over it is back to time to focus!
I couldn't wear a maxi dress without buying and wearing this:
I am not going to reiterate the rules as hopefully we all know them by now, and if you are new to my blog, just ask, or look at last week's post.

Apologies for the delay with this post but Cybermummy took over and it took me 3 hours to write my Cybermummy post last night.  A lot of us met up at Cybermummy which was wonderful...

As usual this is a blog hop, so if you are participating feel free to grab the code...

Liska xxx



So it was an amazing day. Very surreal.

This is by far my favourite photo from the day:

Running to put our goodie bag stash in the Hyundai car........ Fab moment!

It began the day before with a last minute dash to buy a Marks & Spencers maxi dress (could have so easily been a Monsoon one but despite trying on 8! none of them fitted).  The M&S one was so roomy (thank you lycra) I was able to get it in a size 14! but it then meant I needed one of these:

For my Mum Tum
No! I am not! a size 20 but the 18s were out of stock (their best seller apparently!) and I did! take the 16 into the changing room but could only get ONE leg into it!  I hate !!!!! but I need them right now!!!!!

Then I said to the husband I am going to pop and get my hair cut (should have thought of it sooner), and ended up getting leg wax, pedicure, manicure and eyebrows threaded. He ended up ringing me thinking I'd gone AWOL and my punishment was that I had to buy him a chicken kebab and 2 tins of cider on my way home (I know... very classy!). But I was so grateful that he had Aaron for that time as I knew he would have him all day Saturday too and I knew it was to be a long day.

So I am normally a very punctual person but I went to bed at 12:15 on Cyber Eve. God it sounds like Christmas Eve, but it may as well have been we were all so excited... Anyway, I was to be in one of the Hyundai Cars (yep lucky me) and they had tweeted to say that they would be at mine between 7:30 and 8 a.m.  All day I had thought I would get up at 6 a.m. but when I went to bed that late I set the alarm for 6 but got up at 6:30.... looked at phone and sent this:

Well in the shower in true ungroomed Mummy style (haven't cared about my appearance since Aaron made an appearance) I discovered I had hairy pits!!!!! so I got the razor out... now I thought with my grooming session I had left no stone left unturned but clearly not and I was about to be wearing a sleeveless dress! So I am finally slipping into my undergarments at 7 a.m.!!!! and happen to look at my new flash smartphone and they have tweeted to say that they will be with me in 20 minutes.... I was like WHAT (me, normally 100% punctual, standing in my spare room in underwear....... and they had said 7:30-8 originally.

That was THE last time I had chance to look at the phone (I think I tweeted back though)...

Anyway at 7:30 I felt like I was being watched (seriously) and I looked out the sitting room window and there was a car, with 4 ladies sitting in it....... for those of you who think it is something to meet bloggers at Cybermummy imagine meeting them right outside your front door :-)

I said to my husband you have GOT to look out the window....

Anyway like something from Coronation Street I hung out the window and asked them to wait for me for a minute.... so not like me Mrs Punctual and started running round...

All this meant leaving without breakfast, and even without coffee.

Being a car full of mums, they had a tupperware container of hot cross buns so one of those sorted me out and we had a hamper provided by Hyundai, same company who supplied the car.  Whoever in that company came up with the idea of the cars and the hampers should be promoted. It really added to the glamour of the day, to get door to door service and although it wasn't chauffeur style as they dropped them to the designated driver on Wednesday it was still awesome fun and they even set us challenges for the journey.  Our team was so good at them we won, by sending tweets like this:

Hyundai Motor UK:

It was such a fun packed day, I have written all this and at this point we haven't even arrived yet... I have put off doing this post all day as I knew I couldn't do it in one post but knew I have to really (everyone else has)...

So we eventually arrived and met all our other #Mumentum ladies and the venue (The Brewery) was stunning!

I really don't know what to say next so may just leave you with a slideshow.  Is that a cop out? It is isn't it.

If you don't normally watch slideshows till the end, you have to watch this one, as there is a mental video at the end.  My Daddy Cooks would be totally proud of me, as it only took one "take" and until I found it in my photos I hadn't even remembered doing it (and no I wasn't drunk).

I am the sort of person who takes photos of everything that moves and I am GUTTED with my low number of photos but I spent most of the day laden down with goodie bags.... which inhibited my arms for camera work.

I enjoyed going through the goodies this Sunday afternoon though.  I had a luxurious bath in the Champney's bubble bath and Aaron had a gorgeous bath in the E45 bubble bath which was very gentle on his skin which was appreciated due to the fact that he still has eczema on his wrists.

Aaron simply loved playing with the Leap Frog toy (see below) we got given (and it is for 12 months which is perfect) and I have used the No. 7 Softening Foot Balm three times today - it is fab!

Fab Leap Frog game for Aaron

Bath for baby and bath for Mum!
I have to say, the talk that stood out the most for me was My Daddy Cooks in the session on Vlogging and I had not even heard of him before.  He was doing book signings after the session so I bought his book for £16.99 which is mental as I haven't cooked in months but I need to and am hoping that because he is a blogger I might actually use it, especially as he cooks WITH a little boy - if he can surely I can too?

I think what I liked the most was spending the day with my blogging friends:
It was also wonderful to get to know the #CMcar1 ladies including Mummy Matters and get talking to her best friend: Cafe Bebe.  I also met those 2 at the Boots Treat Street event.  Cafe Bebe came home in our Hyundai car instead of staying over (empty Travel Lodge room)... as she is pregnant and her bump has really popped out.  Long day for a pregnant one. Speaking of that, my only glimpse of I Heart Motherhood was spying her having a pedicure on the Crocs stand (good luck for your imminent new arrival sweet heart):

I Heart Motherhood
I also had a few chats and cuddles with Super Amazing Mum, and an ever so brief meet and greet with the wonderful StayAtHomeMumLovingIt.

I spent a lot of time chatting with the legendary Michelle Twin Mum and had an ever so brief hug with my mate Wendy from Inside the Wendy House.  Very very sad I did not get more time with her.  I was at My Daddy Cooks stand when I ran into her and we exchanged business cards and my memory is blank after that so I don't know did we get interrupted or what happened???

I only bumped into my friend Jenny from Gingerbread once and I can't remember what I was in the middle of when I saw her, but I was VERY excited later in the day to hear it announced on the main stage that she won the trip of a lifetime for FOUR to Disneyland Florida.  Jenny was the first Mummy Blogger that I met in real life and accompanied me to take Aaron swimming for the first time (I haven't taken him since - naughty mummy!) - I have a lot of fond memories of our playdates (with Edward playing with Aaron).

I really want to write a lot about the sessions, but this post is kinda long enough already...

The crowd sourced keynotes at the end of the formal part of the day were awesome.  There were funny ones, tear jerkers, etc.... it blows you away to hear an amazing blog post read in the writer's own voice. It adds a sense of depth and emotion that is second to none.  Not having attended last year, this was new to me...

To make this post shorter, if that is at all possible, I will direct you to a summary of the crowd sourced key notes here:

I want to write about each one and what effect they had on me, but I will clearly need to do that in another post :-)

One thing I do want to say is that as good as the day was and as superb as the venue was etc... I was a little shocked that each presenter had to find and open their own presentation visibly on screen.  Even at my work place that wouldn't happen (there'd be a holding screen and the person would seamlessly transition to their presentation)... If I was a speaker and I had to find and start my presentation it would really add to my nerves and set me off to the wrong start.  This even happened in the main big room.

Apart from the above and the sizes of the lunch portions (for my big size 18 self) you could not fault the day.  We were treated like VIPs from start to finish and it really was red carpet treatment.

I have neglected to say that I won an Ipod Touch from the Disney Stand that was there (got a great goodie bag from them too with a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD in it).

Anyway the day has made me resolve to TRY and organise a weekend away with the girls so that we can meet again.  How will we find time when I don't even get the time to sort out my receipts to claim business expenses.

I have been writing this post for TWO hours, and I'd been putting it off all day.  It's now 01:54 Monday morning!!!!

Liska x

On My Way Home

The Pause isn't over yet but I'd like to tell you what I am doing at the moment since I've heard nothing from you anymore

I'm on my way home but I'm not going by plane or by train, I decided to see if I can catch a ride with people, just see how hospitable they can be or not and I am really looking forward to this experience, I'd really like to know if I can get home all the way from St. Petersburg, I don't know what to expect but I have good hope, I bet there are many trucks that need to go to Poland or Germany and I bet there are trucks that need to go to The Netherlands

I wish I too could say that I was doing well and was looking forward to my normal life again but I don't, I really am getting ill and my mind just constantly thinks in dying soon, I wake every night thinking that life is so short and that it is over so soon and nobody here will remember me, I have no one to leave behind, not a person that will be sad, I'm sure my parents will miss me and some members of my family, maybe you will think in me but I'm not sure about it anymore, I'm not sure about anything anymore

The crying doesn't stop either, I keep hurting myself with the past and that I was being a fool again, giving everything I could and trying to make someone happy, I know I'm not perfect but what I felt for you was true and that made me feel perfect, believing everything you said and believing in the promises you made and it hurts, not that it matters anymore

My bags are packed, hotelroom has been payed for, called my parents that I'm on my way, almost time to check out, so after this post it's time for me to go, but before I go I would like to ask you something..

Could you let me know in the future if the choice you made was the best ?

I don't need to hear it this or next month, not even this year, just take your time and when you think enough time has passed I hope you can let me know if the choice you made was the best, just send a little mail or something but I can understand it if you don't do it

I think the choice was the best you made, I'm far away from you and I love you more than anyone else can, but I can't show it :'(


Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Cybermummy 2011 - Last Minute Prep


If you are a Mummy Blogger then chances are you know that Cybermummy is on tomorrow.

A shop in Enfield Town (where I found myself yesterday) rescued my business card situation so I will go to the "ball" with cards after all.  I couldn't get on well with any of the business cards websites.

Today I went to get a dress - last minute dash for an outfit.  In Monsoon all of the Maxi Dresses seemed to have cotton in and they were so tight I didn't even get into an 18.  Tried on 8 different ones.

Went to good old Marks & Spencers and I tried on a size 14 that was 100% lycra jersey fabric and it fitted beautifully.  That was darn lucky as after my Monsoon experience I was thinking of throwing the towel in and not going at all as the sight of me in fitting room lighting was NOT good!

M&S quite literally saved my day.  Would have been so much easier if I'd lost weight the last few weeks as it was more of a case of what fits me! Rather than what suits me!  But luckily the M&S maxi dress did both! And until the last few weeks I did not know what a maxi dress was! Ha ha!

And not only am I happy with the dress I got, but it certainly hides a multitude of sins...

I went to get my hair cut and ended up....
  1. Getting the hair cut
  2. Then getting a half leg wax
  3. Then a pedicure
  4. at which point she said you need a manicure
  5. and while they were doing that they said get your eyebrows threaded.
So I left that shop £48 less well off and well groomed :-)

So tonight the husband is asleep and Aaron is asleep and I don't really know what to do with myself. I am too much on red alert to have an early night...

I just rummaged through my jewellery and decided what to wear so I THINK I am all sorted.

The mobile is on charge.  The camera is on charge.  If I had fake tan too I would think I was going to a wedding :-)

It was only today that I got my new phone (Samsung Galaxy Ace) out of the box.  Tried to put Twitter on it a few weeks back and when I couldn't, I boxed it away in frustration, but today (last minute again) I decided I can't go to Cybermummy Twitterless (and I normally tweet from my laptop) so I stubbornly walked into a T Mobile shop and the lovely assistant helped me to activate it.

How we are supposed to be tweeting when we are surrounded in our blog friends I do not know, but I will certainly give it a go.

Bye for now, I am sure I have some preparing to do :-)

Liska xxx

The Pain of Ending Breastfeeding


My breastfeeding story is a LONG one and has many twists and turns which is why I have never written it.

It is the posts that most need to be written, that never get written.

Anyway Aaron had a tongue tie, so breastfeeding wasn't properly established until 6 weeks (yep you read that right) - deserves a dedicated post of its own, but that is not what this post is about.

This is about the fact that I have breastfed Aaron till 1 year, but due to a couple of severe biting incidents - the worst being on his birthday (15th) I gave up breastfeeding on Saturday.
Told family on Sunday that I'd stopped - got mixed reactions - and then Sunday night I cried into my pillow (instead of sleeping) for 2 solid hours and this was full on deep crying that felt even worse than the crying I had with PND.

I was sinking in an ocean and it all seemed a big deal........ I literally felt like I had lost my "baby" and that he was now this independent little man - I was devastated. Another emotion I had was that I couldn't go back to being pre-mother but now I was no longer mother WHAT was I? It sounds so so so so daft now, but Sunday night it was VERY very real.

So what did I do?
I breastfed him on Monday
and again on Tuesday
and again today.

For some reason, my milk is still working even though I am not expressing and I am only bf once a day (after work) but more often on non-work days.  I also thought it may have stopped between bf on Saturday (what I thought was the last time) and then on Monday, as normally feeding during the night helps supply and I hadn't done that during those days either...

Don't get me wrong the volumes are NOT large as we have always topped up with bottles due to low milk supply (another post waiting to be written) but it still works and I am pleased as it gets Aaron to sleep AND comforts him, no matter what's wrong.

I don't know when I will feel ready to stop - but not now!

Liska xxx

Odds & Ends Texture Set

Odds & Ends Texture Set contains nine vastly assorted and very large textures.
As always, hope they can be of some use to you and your work.

 Smaller examples of the textures in the zipped set:










Download Zipped Set Here:

Summer Solstice

On this night set your intentions for the coming year.

Energetically you will be better supported than on 1st January.

This is an extract from here:

Some believe that on midsummer night "all wishes are granted" by the fairy world . On this day the god in his aspect as the Sun King is at his most powerful, here shown as the solar lion, with wands of roses and oak leaves. Litha is a great opportunity for taking stock of ones' own life, bringing desires to fruition, and also getting rid of those aspects that deter you from your goals.

Okay mine:

Take Aaron swimming more! (Thanks Beastie for reminder)
Meditate and incorporate yoga into my life
Finally start an anti candida diet
Get back in touch with my joyful inner child
Get me and hubby back on the right path
De clutter my home and life
Move to a house with a garden etc...

Crying over you

I can't stop crying and I can't forget you, you are that person where stories of the past are about, memories I cary with me for all my life, stories to tell when I'm old

I can't stop crying :'(

I will have to wait again, I see you can smile again and that you want to forget me, It is hard for me to say that it is the best but I would lie if I said that it isn't the best for you

Life is so short and you need to live it to the fullest and you do it the way you want it, smiling again is very good for you
As I look back on all that's happened..growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever..and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.

It is a message that I send with you, hoping that you carry my existence with you, that you don't forget how love can be, that it can make you smile and cry, that it can make you imagine things that you've never imagined before and I really hope you get happy

I didn't even want to write it but you deserve to know it, that we are not together anymore doesn't mean I wish you the worst for the future, I wish you something good and I see you found it I guess, you can smile again and I am happy you do..
But I can't stop crying :'(

I just have to wait again, I have to wait forever :'(


MUMenTUM - Monday Mum Tum - finding my inner light


I am Mind, Body and Spirit, and they are all linked.

When my spirit isn't fulfilled it shows on my body...

I realise this.

What have I done about it?

I have acknowledged that despite teaching yoga till 37 weeks pregnant, I haven't done any since Aaron was born. I don't even meditate.

I went to the Yoga Festival 2006,7,8, and 9
But missed it last year.

So what have I done about it?

I have asked hubby to come with me and Aaron *there is a toddler camp there*
So I can look forward to 8 days in the sun and Aaron will LOVE IT.

Daddy has agreed to come.

I need to fulfill my soul and renew my SPIRIT.  And get away!

I carry weight when I am HEAVY. I am HEAVY. I am not LIGHT. So the LIGHT of my soul is not shining through. The heavier I get, the worse I eat, the lower my vibration gets... it is a vicious circle.

Grumpinator called me Guru in jest in an email, but she didn't realise the lightbulb moment that set off.

We ARE giving each other Mumentum. Within our little team, there are sub teams of people who can relate to each other. And we ARE spurring each other on, at the levels we are each at.

There are the hardcore peops, losing lots and meal planners extraordinaire and there are the soul searchers. We are all together watching each others successes and false starts.

We are all on different rungs of the same or different ladders.

Like Aaron starting to walk, it is pick up, fall down, pick up and this time a few steps further and a few steps stronger and a few steps nearer the ultimate goal.

I love the fact that we are all friends on this linky. We all comment on each other. It doesn't need to be a rule we just do it.

Anyway my pillow calls and I have rambled enough. I am writing from a laptop in bed which seems to make me wax lyrical more - sorry guys.

Before I go, Claire said, "Before, I always focused on what I didn't want to be"

and I realised on Saturday that I want to focus on what I DO WANT TO BE.... so we are in the same groove with that line of thinking - blog sisters!

So in that vein I will post a photo of me looking at my best, with the aim of getting back there (she goes to rummage for a yummy photo in the hope of actually finding one)

When she wore dresses!!!  And it was only 2008... MALTA!
And again before I go, nearly everyone this week has included a link to me in their post and I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that it is very very sweet of you all. Thank you. I never take it for granted. xxx

I am the light of the soul
I am bountiful
I am beautiful
I am bliss
I am 
I am

Liska xxxxxxx

Here's the blog hop if you want to hop along to see the others

Another Mixed Bag Texture Set

Another Mixed Bag Texture Set contains eleven different textures of different sizes and colors.  Hope this set can be of some use to you and your work.
Sorry to be MIA for so long, been busy looking for full time work, again! 

 Small examples of the textures in the zipped set shown below:












Download Zipped Set Here: