A Little Closer Home

The closer I'm coming home, the further I want to run away again, what is so wrong with me that I deserve this feeling, feelings of loneliness and feeling nothing but pain and envy because of the way I am.

Life is cruel to me for some reason, I walked every day because nobody could give me a lift, not even while it rained, I thought I was a good person, a caring and nice person for everyone but I think I'm not that person who I thought I was, I start to understand many things now why you went away, I just wished I was more nice in the end, some weeks before we could get mad at each other for nothing and I just took you for granted, it was a big mistake from me.

I'm in a hotel now in the middle of Poland I think because the road signs say something like ''Warszawa'' and I think it's the capital city so I'm on my way but still got like 1500 km to go I think it will take a long time before I'm home and I wish I didn't have to go home, I just want to stay away from my old life, I don't want to be near the things I know, I want to forget about everything that ever happened to me, because all I had were bad in the end, I just got nightmares every night, I see things that aren't there and it keeps haunting me, I'm here in misery but I'm glad you aren't, I want to forget all about everything and everyone I ever met because in the end I always lose all that I asked for but couldn't have.

I'm just a dumbass and a believer, believing in everyone but never getting what I was promised and it hurts, it hurts because I can't change what I am.

I just don't want to be near anyone I love anymore, I don't want a hug or a kiss from you or my parents because it will only hurt me, but being far away hurts too, it hurts more than I will ever be able to describe but still I got to go home, I go back because of my parents, I'm not heading back because I want to, If it was up to me I would still be there in the mountains with the beautiful lakes and the beautiful stars at night so I could keep wishing and wishing for better things that will never come.

I just never want to feel what I felt for you, I don't want it and I can't take it, I can't take this feelings I feel any longer, I don't want to be lonely and in misery, I don't want all afford I put in you to make you happy and see myself hurt again in the end, I just don't want it, I'm better off alone.

I too sometimes imagine what would have happened if this never happened, where we would be now but I can't see it, I just can see where I am every day, I'm in hell every single day, I could be dead just as easy, maybe it would even be better than where I am now, I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's not fair :(

Life Ain't Fair!

M

(P.S. Just answer my question about if it was the right choice after 13-02-2012 please, dank u wel)