You Don't Know Anything About Me..

What do you do, say or feel when someone else knows better than yourself how you feel, that someone says that you feel happy but when you say you feel sad that they call you a liar and it hurts inside
How are you supposed to react when someone else tells you how you feel, how the F&%* does someone else know how I feel and calls me a M&$&$F#^#+$ liar when I tell this person how I really feel...Grr I can get so mad with it..

Some people are lucky to have a person in their life that knows just by looking at you how you feel, that person can tell if you are happy, sad, scared or any other feeling and knows how to respond to it to make you feel good about all the things that are happening, someone that believes in your abilities when you have an exam or will hold you tight when you are cold, it is something you don't have to ask, this person will do it and you feel save with him or her and it is something (I think) everyone is looking for, and when you have it make sure you never loose it like I did, just keep holding and loving him or her more and more every day.

Now I have these fake persons with fancy diplomas and they tell you what is good for you, how you feel and how to live your life, they don't even know me, they don't know what I feel, if I tell them I am ready to blow my head off they would say I am overreacting, give me a recipe for some pills and tell me that I should do this instead of that, who the hell are they to tell me what to do, what to feel or what not to feel?

I got here all by myself, some pills won't change me, I'm fine, and I would like to share some words with those fake persons:

''They Say I'm A Dangerous Man, All I'm Doing Is Come Up For Me Own Rights, My Own Needs, And If I Have To Hurt Someone To Get What I Need, I Will Do It Without A Second Thought.
I'm Not A Bad Man But Still They Draw Me Like The Bad Guy In Their Papers, I'd Like To Share A Laugh Or Two, I Like Jokes, But Don't Push Me Till You Wake The Animal Behavior That's Hiding Inside Of Me. I'm Not A King But I Want To Be Treated Like A King, If I Want Something Done, I Will Do It By My Goddamn Self.
I'm A True Leader In My Own World, My Life Is My Life, Not Your! So Keep Your Hands From It, Point A Finger At Me And I Might Break It, It Takes One Snap, Just Remember That..
I'm Always Right, And You're Always Wrong!'' 

I Love You Always <3 :)


Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

No Matter The Choice, We Always Lose.

When you lose the one you love, something inside snaps and it hurts so, so much, you feel emptiness surround you and you don't know what to do, something that felt so good isn't there anymore and you want to do all you can to get it back but you don't know how, you start to loose your senses and your mind changes.

Everything that looked so precious seems so worthless, all the beauty in the world is where you can't see it, you get angry but you don't know what to do and you start to run, you run away from all the things you know, trying to let go of something that you only want more and more with each try you do to let it go.

What if the insanity that is raging inside my head of missing you brings this situation: In my left hand I got some pills, I take one and I forget everything about us, but in my right hand I got a loaded gun, which of the two objects should I use? I know the answer, do you?

Just know one thing...

I'd Love To Miss You In The Morning, If I'd See You Again In The Evening.

No Inspiration...

Nothing To Write....

Till Monday... :'(


Everybody Wants Happiness

Keep Going

I want to run, run again away from where I am now but I can't, I want to quit, just have a break and let it all go but I can't! I need to keep going.
I keep going even tough I don't know where I am going, I keep going because I need to stay strong, I keep going because deep inside I know that I have to, I keep going because I have faith in the final outcome and I know that when I get through this situation I will be stronger, better and a changed person, it's one of lifes many tests that we all must face but in a different way, everybody will be faced with pain one day and it is up to yourself how you deal with it

Will you run? or do you stand and face it.

I like to think in the past, remembering the times with You and how life used to be, but it hurts a little because I feel like the best days of my life are already behind me and it hurts even more, because the best days of someones life should be their marriage and the birth of their child/children but I don't know if I will have any of the two anymore, I don't feel like and I don't know if I still want it.
I wanted like 4 children when You were mine but I can't imagine a better mother than You, so why get children with someone else I can't love as much as I love(d) you, no I think the child wish will remain a wish and nothing more than that :(

Maybe you were right what you said about mailing, maybe we will get mad at each other, maybe we will discuss but to be honest, I don't know where we could discuss about but I am not sure about many things anymore, if love is always there when it is declared by someone or your parents and I keep wondering if this feeling will ever go away, so I guess you are right about what you said and that blogging is the best way to keep contact even tough I miss you every night, I really do...


I Hope You Always Find A Reason To Smile

Looking Older.

It's raining very much today, feeling jealous about the places where it is warm at the moment and where the sun is shining, a place where I can be with You, a place where I can only dream about and when I wake I see that the rain still hasn't stopped and I still am so, so cold and wet

When I walk through the streets and see myself in the windows I look old, I look much older than 19 years old and it makes me realize something, I just come to see more and more that life is temporarily and that one day it is all over and it hurts, it hurts because you know that we as mortals are doomed to die but the time we have is beautiful when you can spend it with a person you truly love but that is what I can't do... I can't spend it with You, so what would give my life any purpose?

I have nothing to follow, nothing to pursue, once I had these dreams but not anymore, reality is much harder when it hits you in the face, when the world around you starts to crumble and you're left all alone, yes it is hard and yes it isn't easy but still I am happy that I can manage instead of going crazy and you were right about what you wrote that the ''smile'' isn't really there on my face because I don't know what my mouth does, I don't know if I ''smile'' or if I want to cry, I think that my face is more like this (*_*) without any emotion, without any part of me showing who I am and that is fine for now, there's just 1 person that knows me, and that is You.

It is sweet what you wrote about my wish, it really is, but the main reason that I'd like to be with you isn't because it would be warm and cozy.... no, it would be wonderful because you'd be there in my arms for the night and that's all that I wish for

I loved you so much because you were the only one who could make me feel so happy

I hope in the end that my future will look like this:

We'll go together to the light when we're old.


You Give Me The Kind Of Feeling People Write Novels About

1 Wish.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing for a while, I had nothing to write about, nothing that changed my situation or any other good news, I'm afraid I only have bad news..

My days are a little of the same every day again, I wake, I check my mail and your blog and I just start to walk around all day to see if there are rooms available, getting something to eat and I am looking for work and by the way, I think it is better if I don't tell you where I sleep and what I eat because it would just make you feel sad because it just rains all day and where I sleep isn't inside, I am just completely cold all day but I have no reason to feel lost and hopeless, I make my own life and take my own steps, I am f*cking independent :)

But there is something that isn't making me so happy, I look every day to see if you wrote something new on your blog or that you've send a little mail but unfortunately no and it is making me a little disappointed, maybe you have no inspiration to write (me neither) or you didn't have the opportunity to write, there could be a million reasons and I've just seen some visits from your country but I don't know if it was you but I hope it was because this blog is for you and I like it when you visit me.

So if I could make 1 wish today, just one.. I wish I could spend the night with you, just being able to hug you and keep you tight in my arms that have been empty each and every day, feel your warm body in my arms and hear you softly breath, I just wanted your lips to be pressed on mine just one time and I just want to feel happy again, just one time.

That's my only Wish.


MUMenTUM - Monday Mum Tum


Apologies that I did not load up this linky post yesterday but we were out all day and I lay down to put Aaron to bed and did not feel like getting up to turn on the laptop - I tried to force myself and still couldn't.

My week involved a lot of ups and downs, and what I ate reflected that.

I still haven't downloaded Thinking Slimmer but am hoping to do so today.

Anyway over to you.

For newbies, all you have to do is write a post that is relevant to losing your Mum Tum and then hopefully we will give you some MumenTum.

Add the link to that post below, and grab the code, which is what makes it a blog hop.

We tweet under the hashtag #Mumentum and there is a "Mumentum" List on Twitter where you can find all the ladies who are members.

Liska x

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday


I've been thinking a lot today, about my future and I have been seeing the news about an attack in Norway, that so many young people have been killed, last time I counted they said 92 and I felt so sad because why did it happen, why do such things happen, it is horrible but it is reality and reality is about good and bad things, but in this life we need miracles.
You can come from a country with a billion people, have wars and a lot of problems but still in some way your parents have met each other and made You, and I think you can call that a miracle

The miracles of everything and everyone, that it is possible to create life inside a woman and how it is possible that the earth spins around 24 hours without anyone falling off, yes that are things that I call miracles.
Miracles that things can grow but that it dies too, people that sit in a wheelchair can walk again, sometimes I even think that flying in a plane is some sort of a miracle when you think of it.

It was a miracle that I found you and even tough we are no longer together I still am very grateful that I found you, you were that miracle that shaped me little by little to the person I am today and will keep shape me more and more in the future.
The place where I found you is not a place you'd never expect a person like you to talk to, to dream with, to smile with and to connect your heart to, yes to me you are a miracle, you were my very own miracle but it wasn't meant to stay, you will make someone else very happy and it is a good thing
Happiness and love are the things I wish you so much, I wish them for everybody so their lives are beautiful from the cradle till the grave.

I think you deserve a miracle the most from all the persons I've ever met, you are sweet, you are kind and you are very caring, you deserve a better life.

but I..

I need a miracle too.


A Place Just For Me And....?

No sleep for me tonight I think, it is too damn cold and the news says it will be even worse so I think I will have a cold and lonely night ahead again, I'm starting to feel kind off sicker than usual, fainted today and having the feeling that I need to puke, but that is not the worst, today I feel a little like life is really not fair on me and that I do so much for everyone, I help them, I try to be the best person I can and it just isn't fair if you'd ask me, why do all the assholes get the best things, they hit their girlfriends and still they don't go away from him, I just try to be sweet and kind to every person I meet, not just You, but still everyone tells me to get lost.

Nobody that loves and cares so much as I do for someone should be alone and feel miserable, nobody should have go through the hell of being far away from the person you love with all your heart and soul, but life isn't easy for everybody, some people just have a life full of luck and some others, their lives end already within a day, just imagine how lucky you are that you are alive and healthy, have loving parent, at least I hope you aren't in the same position as I am today.

I think it never was too much to ask just for a sweet and caring girlfriend and it is exactly what I've had for a while, but we couldn't stay together and that is just what life is for me, but I never thought that I deserved to get sick or get homeless, so now I am hoping and praying for something new for me.

I pray and wish a place for me, a place so divine that even god would be jealous at it.

I want it to be somewhere where no one can find me, that is the best anyway, and I want it to be far away from where I am now, where it is 30 Celsius every day and where the beach is so white and the water so clear, just a little heaven on earth.
I want the island to have palm trees with coconuts, I want grass where I can lay on and feel free, I want the water to be warm where I can swim all day, swim with the dolphins or just cool off, I just want to feel happy again and forget where I am and what I am feeling now and stop believing in a good future, I want to let it all go and just be there alone, in the middle of the ocean, no one around, no one to hurt, just a place where I should be now and always, locked in my own prison in a little piece of heaven, it's not what I wanted in the past but I want it now even tough it will always remain a wish.

I was dreaming last night about this little place and where I was with you, just like we wanted, but I see that it is not the point, I can't always, no, never have what I want so I thought it was no use telling that I preferred have you with me on the island, have you near me all the time and that we just had fun all day and looked at the stars every night and holding each other tight when the sun went down and we kissed, it is nice to dream about it but it always stings a little inside when you wake and there is no one there but a pigeon looking for food.

I have to go now, supermarkets close at 18:00 and I haven't had anything to eat so far, I will try to make some photos tomorrow to show the city a little and I hope you had a good day today.



Today I am worried, I am worried about what the future will bring to.. Me.
I've spend most of my money now even tough I had more money than the average person of my age but I was too dumb to spend most of it on my vacation, I bought expensive ''now useless'' watches in Moscow, I spend the night in expensive hotels in St Petersbourg and Nizjni Novgorod, the other nights I was in a normal hotel or people were kind enough to let me stay in their home but I just haven't been thinking that when I got home I could get a bad reaction and that was silly from me

Continueing about being worried, like I just said I've made some bad purchases that haven't been such a good idea but now I am kind of in a conflict with myself because I just have 2 choices: spend the money I have on food ór spend it on shelter and I need both because as the summer here doesn't mean 28 Celsius and no rain but 18 celsius and a lot of rain.. I just don't know what to do anymore.... I suppose I can stay in the trainstation some nights but it isn't that safe because they're dealing cocaine outside (I think) and I wouldn't like to get arrested for sleeping there.

I never had to worry about money, I got all the things I wanted even as a child, I had it all but I let it slip away because of the sorrow I felt inside for someone else, but I don't blame it on that, I could have had the sorrow in my own bedroom but I chose to go away even tough I still am really sick and I think I have to go to the hospital sooner or later again or things will go very wrong here.

Just a little something about tonight, I stayed in a hotel last night and I am afraid I took a really expensive one again... I don't learn so easily from my mistakes.. a quick shave, a nice shower, recharged my iPhone and my laptop and I started to search for a place to stay and I went to some Human Resource agencies to show that I was available but I started to get problems there because I don't have an adress anymore so I couldn't do anything but leave..

Now I'm in the station again to write a little something, life ain't so easy today and I'm quite hungry :S

I hope you are having a good day, I love you very much!


Post Card Set # 3

Post Card Set # 3 consists of thirteen very large (99 MB), old and rustic post card
images.  Hope they can be of some small use to you.

Small examples of the textures in the zipped set shown below:













Download Zipped Set Here:

Reasons to be Cheerful 1, 2, 3 - short and sweet

Reasons to be Cheerful at Mummy from the Heart


I am linking up to the wonderful Mich's reasons to be cheerful.

I am normally cheerful today as it is my Friday given that I am part time but I am actually going in tomorrow so I can't write much as I am going to bed.
  1. Took Aaron to a soft play area on Monday and he loved it.
  2. Husband is off this weekend - hopefully we will do something nice like finally go to London Zoo.
  3. There's been some good news at work.
  4. I am starting Thinking Slimmer soon - exciting.
Bye for now (short and sweet).

Liska xx

No Home.

Walking around all day in this city looking for a place to stay, this is even harder than it was in Russia, but I know I can't stay in this city for a long time because I will go to my university in a short period of time so I decided to make it a very short stay because I will go there tonight, I'm in the trainstation at the moment btw, they got free WiFi there so I am able to post a little something and I would feel more like a jerk if I didn't post anything after what you've posted because it was sweet :)

I'm not as strong as you might think, that I'm not crying doesn't mean that I am very hurt on the inside, believe me that I am hurt but I know my mother is hurt too, showing your child the door is something that breaks a mothers heart but I know she had no choice.
Crying doesn't change a thing about the situation I am in now and I need to take care of myself for a little while because she hasn't tried to contact me and offered help, but she can think the same as I am thinking, that I should call first and say that I am sorry before she gives help, but I am not going to call her, sometimes you just have to let go off it, of course I will contact her sooner or later but not yet, I can't do it now, I need to give her some rest and I need to get at peace with it.

I didn't liked it that you cried, you shouldn't cry for me anymore and I remember it very well that you love me, I won't forget it that soon and to me you still are special, you can't deny it..

I don't know what will await me in Maastricht, I love the city and it has some nice things there but I wouldn't like it if I needed to use help from the Salvation Army, it isn't for me, at least some days I can stay in a hotel there because I have enough money but I will search every day for a place I can stay till university begins and I will try to get my treatments restarted but I don't know how to get it done with my insurance agency so till than life is a bit uncertain and scary, like it was the past 2 months, at least I can speak my own language and it feels a bit more like ''Home'' even tough I will be again far from Home

Remember that I Love You too.


Alone Again..

I traveled a lot of distance today and I couldn't take it anymore, my legs hurt so much and I haven't slept for more than a week and it really hurts, my eyes hurt, my heart hurts, I am just filled with pain so I decided to take the train and within 3 hours I was back in my home village
Everything still looks the same, the neighbors look surprised to see me but no one approached me, I just went straight to the door and there was my mother.. she didn't expect me at all and at first she seemed very happy to see me but after a while the mood changed and she said that I had to leave again.

''I hope you will have a good place to spend the night'' that were the last words my mother said to me when she told me I couldn't stay at home anymore and she has many reasons not to let me in home anymore, I was away when my father had surgery, twice, I didn't even knew that :( and she can't forgive me the fact that I went away and haven't been in touch for such a long time and not sending photos or answering my phone, I wish I could but I didn't had reception everywhere, damn there are so many reasons why I couldn't call but none of them works when a mother misses their child and I've been stupid that I didn't call her often enough

Before I went away I had to ask myself if all the beautiful things in the world, breathtaking nights and all kind of other new things way up to your own family, in my case.. No.
Love your family even tough they aren't perfect, love them with all your heart because someday tyou can use their help so much, don't get yourself into the same problems as me for any reason, I admit that being away was good and changed me but nothing and nobody can change your family, just you can

Ik hou van jullie en ik ga jullie missen, meer dan jullie weten :'(

If I already know what I will do next.. not really.. university starts in a few weeks so I have a little time left to find a place there, get my finances right and make sure I have all the things I need for a good study environment, it's just not the same anymore as my parents won't visit me and I need to do all things alone
I just need a better life so I need to change but I just need a little help to do it, even tough I don't deserve it

I Need To Do It Alone

I wish my life could be a bit more like this, I still wish it will be with You