I know, when I look back, I will say you should have enjoyed this time, as no doubt, I am about to work for another 24 years. But it is hard to enjoy it when you don't know what is around the corner.
I didn't feel irresponsible being off in July; not even in August. But I do now. Just like the kids have gone back to school, I feel I too, should have gone back to work.
So now, I need to find ways of putting myself in the driving seat, so that I can be the creator of my own destiny. In the books it sounds great, but it's harder to do in reality.
I have a to-do list next to me, and I even allowed "write a blog post" to be one of the items on there. I am setting myself the challenge of linking it to Love All Blogs - something I have always wanted to do, but don't have a clue how. I thought overcoming THAT hurdle might give me the boost to overcome others - silly I know. But a non-busy mind gives you chance to come up with all sorts - trust me.
I was used to never having a second to think my own thoughts, it was all work work work, then a mixture of work and Aaron and the BlackBerry always ensured I knew what was going on, what needed doing. I let it control me. Clearly I am now being invited to control things myself, but if I am really honest, I have forgotten how.
I feel like a toddler who needs to learn to walk.
I now know what is wrong with this country. I've been to the Job Centre and it aint pretty. What it does for your self esteem, dignity and confidence is the pits. It takes me a whole day to get over the feeling I get from going there. I thought I'd reach my grave without ever going there.
I have now realised that that phrase "there but for the grace of God go I" is never more true.
You never know what you'll experience until you do so, and you never know how you'll react until you're in a given situation and you can surprise even yourself.
Many many research papers and case studies have shown we are influenced by our environments; we need to be boosted by our surroundings. Take a high-flyer out of an organisation, head hunt them, and all of a sudden you don't recognise them anymore, as the flower was supported by the soil it was in. It's been proven time and time again. So what do I do now. How do I control the soil I am in?
If a diagram was done of my moods since being made redundant on 5th July, it would show peaks and troughs as big as mountains and valleys.
Regular readers of this blog will know that I have spent most of the Summer taking Aaron and 3 of his cousins on day trips. Each of those days have given me a "high", as good as any drug. But like the come down you get from drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, the come down when they went back to school was awful. It was remedied by taking them out Monday 3rd September after having said the big goodbye the day before, but then reality hit.
It's been a week now, and Aaron asks for them less and less thank God. I was running out of places to say that they were, and he seems to have grasped the concept that they are at school.
Apologies that this is a bit of a ramble, but this is a release - this blog post - I am not writing this post to be read. This is a purist post (online diary type blogging) and not a post for attention, or to publicise anything.
So the day looms ahead and the to-do list is next to me winking. At least THAT may structure my day a little - it even includes applying for a provisional license. Yes I can't drive!
You know what struck me, a few weeks ago. I don't have a bucket list and even if I did, I wouldn't have a CLUE what to put on it.
I am not one of those people who has a big mountain they hanker to climb. Apart from Bali there isn't a country I am desperate to see.
If a genie was next to me right now I don't even know what my 3 wishes would be.
Okay, pretend you are forcing my hand. The genie is here. If forced, and I wasn't going to be judged on the worthlessness of my wishes, right now, in the blink of an eye, without much thought, they would be:
- Spare room decorated as Aaron's bedroom - preferably themed as Thomas The Tank Engine, or "Thomas & Friends" as he seems to be more commonly called.
- I have a car AND a driving license.
- I have a little girl, or am pregnant with her on the way.
I am a simple girl with simple needs.
And you know what, it is a MASSIVE step forward having the car on that list, as I was ready for my test in 1998, and haven't shown ANY interest in driving since then, so to just have that on my radar, on my mind, on a list, is a major step forward.
You know what, in self-help circles, they have proven time and time again that we as humans are more willing to do something when it is for someone else and it is SO BLOODY TRUE. What finally set me thinking of a car was all the places I know we COULD have gone (me Aaron and the cousins) if I drove.
So many days I wanted to fill the "boot" with buckets, spades, and a picnic and head off, and I couldn't. Yes, siree we do things for others.
I think I have rambled enough.